For my core one essay, I feel that I have a strong introduction. I like the fact that it is broad but you can still tell what I am going to be discussing in my essays. However there are many weaknesses in my paper. The paragraphs don’t flow very well because I was trying to incorporate parts from other essays that I have written. After reading it I realize that I cannot do that because some parts are more “story like” while others sound more like an essay. For my core one essay I am taking a more “professional” approach and I am trying to keep away from a narrative feel. This has been my greatest challenge while writing my core one essay. Trying to say what I want to say and having it all flow has been very difficult. I need to work on getting my thoughts together and having them make sense. Because I am taking a more “professional” approach I need to work on staying away from my comfort zone of narrative writing. If I could take directly to a peer who is going to read my draft, I would want them to tell me how to make my paragraphs flow. I feel like that is my main challenge right now and I really need direction on how to make my paper make sense.
Introduction:So you know you need a title. Your introduction paragraph is good and I like the intro sentences about the stereotypical writer. The only part I would say you should look at s the last two sentences where the word "rush" is used a lot. Also, the flow of how "lead to rushing and rushing" sounds is kind of confusing. I get what you are trying to say, but its kind of an awkward phrase.
ReplyDeleteApproach: Used the Literacy Narrative. It was a good choice since you have known for a while you like to incorporate personal experiences in your essays.
Showing vs Telling:In the second paragraph, you could be more specific about what your mother had to sort out and make sense of. Maybe more details?
In the third paragraph first sentence, instead of "impressive; I didn't", you could switch it out for "impressive, but I didn't" because it's opposite of what you first stated.
I liked your details of taking the SAT.
When you start mentioning your "breakthrough essays" mention that it is because you put your personal experiences in it and how you learned this tactic from the SAT. Make it flow smooth from the SAT to the breakthrough essays.
Also, try to make it flow between the paragraph about presenting a speech and the essays we read in class.
Conclusion:Your conclusion feels vague. You mention "showing and telling" in the conclusion, but not anywhere else in the essay.
I think you have a very good essay. You give examples and give the reader a picture of what you went through, whether it was your 2nd grade essay or the SAT. The one thing you should work on is the flow when you are changing topics. Relate them to each other.