I feel like I have a very strong introduction for my core II essay. I also thought that I had a strong thesis statement, however my peer reviewer gave me a five out of ten saying that my thesis was present but ambiguous. I need to work on making my thesis more direct and state whether Martha’s Weddings was effective in helping the “budgeting bride achieve her ideal summer ceremony while remaining cost conscious. I thought that I was taking a anecdotal approach when writing my paper, however my peer reviewer said that I am taking a journalistic approach. I am missing constraints and the rhetor which are coming later when I add more to the “article” section of my paper. I received a six for my showing and telling. I need to add more details because it is difficult to picture my magazine. I am just telling about my magazine and not showing the reader what I see when I look at the magazine and the pictures inside. I need to narrow down the tone of my essay because I described it in many different ways. For my conclusion I need to reword it and stop repeating what I already stated in my essay.
Your thesis is kind of weak. I feel like it is just stating a fact, instead of trying giving an argument to look at. Your thesis could be “even though this month’s issue of Martha Stewart Weddings is meant for budgeting brides, the advertisements for high priced designer dresses and jewelry overpowers the message of trying to save money.”
ReplyDeleteThis essay is mostly journalistic. You could make it more anecdotal by adding your opinions in, or you could take them out for the journalistic approach. I think you could do best by doing the journalistic approach because it seems like the direction you are already heading in, so with a few edits you can make a strong approach. I also recommend that you describe the table of contents before the advertisements.
On page one, I recommend that you mention that in further reading you found out the flowers on the cake were paper. On the second page, list the 6 focal points mentioned on the cover. Also, when you mention the designers, can you give an estimate of what one of their dresses cost? You could let the reader know what you think is a budget of a “budgeting bride” is and how out of the ball range the prices of the designer dresses are. You described the “Beadalon Beads” nicely.
On page four in the Dylan’s Candy Bar article, you mention two designers and how the ads for them correspond to the guide. Me being someone who doesn’t really know wedding designers, I have no idea how the two relate. I’m guessing they make bridesmaid dresses. You can mention at the end of the article’s first paragraph, you could add, “who specialize in designing for the wedding party”.
On page five on the first paragraph, you jump into talking about the writer’s job of persuading brides to choose peaches and cream as a color scheme. It comes from nowhere.
The conclusion doesn’t leave the author with new insights. It’s kind of repetitive of the first paragraph. The closing sentence seems to be a repeat in itself. I think you could expand on the second sentence of the last paragraph. You make a good point that all the articles are DIY, yet the ads are for expensive things. The ads contradict the message that the reader wants to get out of the magazine.